I’m still on rocky ground ..

I’m still on rocky ground ..

.. but feeling a lot better today.

Calming pills and a keep fit class DO NOT go together !!! I tried yesterday and found the class was better than last weeks (I go once a week on a Friday) and last week I was really in a ‘dark place’ – but tranquilizers and trying to make muscles work doesn’t really work. But I carried on .. stopped when I had to … and carried on. Felt so much better after that – a little more normal!

Had the boys in the afternoon … on my own .. something I haven’t done for about 2 weeks. It felt good! I felt good! It felt normal .. at last !!

I have lost weight quickly as I haven’t eaten much except ‘Ensure’ vitamin supplement, bananas and the meals I have cooked without any enthusiasm have been as plain as plain can be!!!! But I have managed to eat a little of them!!!

The thought of not feeling normal again scared me and my son and daughter in law who have both been in this ‘dark place’ assured me that I WILL be normal again. They are both paramedics and the trauma that they endure is unbelievable. I didn’t believe them when they told me the other evening that I WILL be normal again but I do now … I am getting there !!

All this has been caused by anxiety and panic attacks which seem to have taken over my body and become overwhelming and uncontrollable.

‘My’ panic attack starts in my shoulders like a cold feeling under the skin .. travels up my neck and into my head … swims around in my head so that it feels like cotton wool … travels down my arms .. makes my hands clammy and my mouth goes so dry that I can’t swallow. I am then left with a body that feels like it’s been taken over by an alien.

I have tried yoga breathing, meditating, calming music, singing … anything to take it away .. leave my body …. to ME .. it’s mine !

BUT …. I am feeling better today … better than I did yesterday !!! I do feel like ‘Lucy in the sky with diamonds’ for a couple of hours in the morning once I take the calming pill. My doctor says I need to take a quarter instead of half! Tomorrow I shall try a quarter and hope the alien doesn’t pop in for a visit !!!

I don’t want to be ‘Lucy’ every morning!!!!

I need to get a balance between ‘Lucy’ and the alien !!

6 Replies to “I’m still on rocky ground ..”

  1. Avril I am so so pleased to read you are feeling a little better, it so good to feel like part of oneself again.I understand the horror of panic attacks…and it does get better…yes it does.

  2. Getting the meds right is tricky for depression and anxiety 'cause you have to keep working with it to find the perfect combination, or dosage.I am glad you had a better day.

  3. Heh…"normal" is over-rated anyway 😉 I've been in the "dark place" too, a few times. Every time it's passed…and I've been stronger on the other side. They say depression is anger turned inwards, repressed and suppressed. For me, it was brought on by fear and feeling like I had no choices…bringing a lot of anger. Me and anger have become fast friends now 🙂 Every Sunday, my minister says "may we be gentle in our brokenness". Wishing you speedy, yet gentle healing.

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