I need to explain

I need to explain

Bryan commented last night that I don’t blog as often as I used to – especially last year when I seemed to have posted almost every day !!!     … and btw this is post number 650 !! Whoo hoo !!!

Last year was a toughie for me and I felt the need to express myself in writing (and it was suggested by my psychologist .. a method that works !) 

But …. I feel that I have lost a year.   A year in which I cannot remember much (and it’s not a ‘senior moment’ here)  I can remember all the thoughts of giving up and ‘what’s the point’ of making my garden look nice, pulling out weeds, planting new things and generally enjoying my space ..  my sanctuary.  My home became my house.  I didn’t feel anything in it.  It didn’t matter if the furniture needed replacing or re-covering.

There were many factors that led to this breakdown, one of them being my hubby retiring.  It came way, way, way too early for me.  Heavens ….  we still had Elaine living at home – how could we possibly retire when I still have ‘children’ at home – and we have had children ‘forever’.  Starting a family when we were very young and keeping that family going by adding an extra child later on is absolutely wonderful!!  I have loved it.  It’s me.  It’s what I do.  I have the grandsons in the afternoons .. every day.  I love them being close.  It’s me.  It’s what I do.

Last year I was overwhelmed by everything .. all the years of struggling to make ends meet, constant children, needing to provide food on the table, looking after everyone, the death of my Dad and my Mum fading away little bit by little bit, now with no dignity at all, retiring too early for me, but not early enough for hubby (my feeling being pulled both ways), my beautiful Robbie dying …   the list seems endless – I used write all this down for my psychologist and each week something else was added!!  It took a year to get through it all and work it all out.

oh .. and things always falling down on me (ceilings, light fittings etc !!!!)

I wrote things down  ..  I had to keep a daily diary, I wrote reams of pages for my psychologist (she was always amazed at how much I wrote!  Whenever I brought in my ‘homework’ she would always smile as I was the only one who ever brought her lots for her to read!) … and I wrote on my blog.  The diary is in my bedside table and I cannot open again.  It seems heavy.  It seems locked.  I find I just cannot open the book to turn the pages and read the words.  I was in such a dark place at the time that I don’t want to recall it.   I can’t throw it away either.

Putting words on my blog helped me.  It didn’t matter if anyone read it or not, and I’m very grateful and thankful (no .. extremely grateful and thankful!) for all comments and support from special friends in bloggie land and my precious family and friends.

Sooo … I need to catch up a year (I’m not getting any younger .. as I have been told by so many !!!  I can’t do what I used to do apparently, like picking up heavy things etc.  I have always ‘listened’ to my body and this year it’s telling me to slow down a little (and so has the physio and biokineticist!!)   So as a result, I have put on weight sadly but am endeavouring to get it off again .. slowly but surely … it’s not working yet 🙂  but as I am convincing myself that ‘it’s a work in progress’ !!!  🙂 

I am loving my garden again … and so what if I’m doing it for someone else one day (we’re not going to live here forever after all)  At the moment I’m doing it for me.  It’s my sanctuary now.   I’m doing a catch-up in my home (home not house)  I realise we made a mistake with the fabric on chairs we re-covered last year, (my ‘marbles’ were jumbled and lost)  but I have to live it now and adjust around them.  I have been buying new towels and linen.  I need to get rods and curtains for the lounge (I am very tired of it looking like an office!)   I have major things and small things to do … I am busy!!!   We will be on pension – proper pension – soon!   Hubby’s full-day-retirement-contract comes to an end shortly.  We will be pensioners … we will adjust … new beginnings for just the two of us .. hence the need/ the desire to start with fresh new stuff again … and I wasted a whole year!!

I am catching up!


5 Replies to “I need to explain”

  1. I am sure I will get there one day as well. The constant struggles and challanges seem all too familiar, so it will probably all hit me one day as well. As for the whole blogging thing. It does take up a lot of ones time and it consumes you. I often find myself looking for pictures so hard that I’m not enjoying the outing. Juts over the last week or so I have wondered if its all worth the effort. Its not that I want to stop, but does people out there appreciate what one puts into a blog? Anyway, I’m starting to talk about me and this blog is about you. Don’t post every day, make the most of your time. But don’t not post either. Do throw us a bone every now and then. 🙂

  2. I know exactly how you’re feeling Avril – I find myself in the same space for different reasons. I do hope though, that we’ll touch base now and again through our blogs! We’ve made some really special friends!

  3. What a lovely heartfelt post. Some years in my life (and this one is going to be one) – is almost a jumble of thoughts – no clear vision or remembrance. Post when you want to – it’s yor place after all.

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